


No Hat To Leave On

by draco_somnians



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Cliche, Crack, Episode: s10e06 200, F/M, Mild Language, Strip Tease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-16
Updated: 2010-03-16
Packaged: 2017-10-08 00:49:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/71001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draco_somnians/pseuds/draco_somnians
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in the "200" Wedding-verse, Vala arranges a surprise for Sam's batchelorette party. Pure crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Hat To Leave On

“Sergeant Siler!”

Siler groaned when he heard Vala’s voice ring out down the SGC corridor and turned around slowly. He found the petite brunette bounding up to him with a wicked smirk on her face. Oh this could not be good. She didn’t even give him a chance to answer; stepped right up into his personal space and placed a hand firmly in the middle of his chest.

“I need to ask a favour,” she said, curling her fingers a little into his uniform and then lifting her eyes and meeting his from under her lashes. He swallowed and tried to keep his breathing even. She really wasn’t his type, but he was only human, and he didn’t even know how long it was since he’d..._Ok, need to drag your mind away from* that* thought right now Sergeant._

He cleared his throat. “A favour,” he repeated, as blandly as he could manage.

“Well, rumour has it...” she walked her fingers slowly up his zipper, “...that under this uniform of yours, there’s something rather spectacular.”

He almost choked, “_Excuse _me?”

She grinned, licked her bottom lip and stepped even closer, whispering conspiratorially, “I’ve made very good friends with a few of the nurses. It seems that you’re one of their favourites.”

He could feel the blush rising in his cheeks and scanned his eyes up and down the corridor, hoping to god there was nobody around to witness this. There were cameras of course, but it wouldn’t be the first time a tape had been ‘accidentally’ wiped.

“And the favour?” he asked, not daring to even wonder what _this_ woman could possible want from him. _He’d _heard rumours too, and a few of them had quite frankly terrified him.

She grinned again and he saw that wicked twinkle back in her eyes. “Am I to understand that on Earth it’s traditional at bachelorette parties, to have a male take his clothes of for the entertainment of the bride?”

“A stripper?!” he asked, slightly alarmed at the way his voice had just _squeaked. _

Yeah, those security tapes were history.

 He cleared his throat again. “You want me to help you find a stripper?”

She shook her head. “No. I already found him.” She bit her bottom lip between her teeth and raised her eyebrows expectantly. It took a moment to register in his mind just what exactly she was asking.

“Oh no!” he said, trying to back away and bumping into the wall, “No. No way.”

She closed the gap he’d made between them.

“Oh come on sergeant,” she wheedled. “I know Sam would like it.” She smirked at him and he had to admit, the thought of stripping for Sam Carter was kind of appealing...just not with an audience. And certainly not with this audience. “I can make it worth it,” she stated.

“No amount of money is going to convince me,” he replied.

“Not _money,_” she rolled her eyes. “I was thinking of something more...personal.”

His mind shot back to that place it really should _not_ be going and he closed his eyes, drew in a deep breath and tried to block it.

“You like bikes, right?”

He opened his eyes and blinked a little. “Yeah...” he began hesistantly.

“I could get you one.”

“I already have a bike. Two in fact.” He was not going to be sucked into this. No way; even if she was fluttering her eyelashes at him and sliding her hand along his bicep.

“I could get you something...special,” she said with a smile. Sam’s Indian immediately popped into his mind. Damn, he loved that bike. Would it be worth it? A few minutes, a little bare flesh in front of a few women...

“How exactly would you _get_ me a bike?” he asked, his suspicion rearing its head as he recalled the first few months Vala Mal Doran had been a guest on this base. She’d claimed almost anything and everything that wasn’t nailed down; and dealing with stolen goods was something he’d never done. Not even when he’d been offered the sweetest Harley he’d ever seen at a ridiculously low price.

“I have my ways,” she answered cryptically.

“No,” he said, squeezing out from the small space she’d left for him between her and the wall. “Absolutely not.”

He quickly made his way down the corridor, hoping she wouldn’t follow him. He knew just how tenacious she could be. He turned around to check and saw her slumped against the wall, defeat evident in her features. Damn. He  sighed and eyed the security camera pointing right at him; hopefully nobody would be watching this level in real-time.

“So...” he started, feeling a pit of dread in his stomach. Was he really considering this? “How many women are we talking?” If the audience wasn’t too large...then again, they’d all most likely be SGC women, which would make Monday morning _very_ interesting.

Vala pushed herself off the wall and her face brightened instantly. “Just five or six. Small party. Most of Sam’s friends are male,” she said encouragingly. He was doomed; he just knew it. Why the hell had he turned around?

“And you’d really get me a bike?” he asked, slowly walking towards her. She nodded eagerly. “Are we talking...all the way?” He winced even as he said it. He had nothing to be ashamed of really, but he wasn’t in the habit of being completely naked in a room full of women.

“Not if you don’t want to,” she said, her enthusiasm growing. Oh hell. He was _such_ a sucker. He sighed heavily.

“Just promise me you won’t steal the bike,” he said.

She leapt into his arms, almost knocking him off balance as she wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. She planted a kiss firmly, but quickly, on his lips. “Thank you!”   




 

***

 

“Are you ready?” Vala asked as she smoothed down the lapels of his jacket.

“No,” he answered honestly, feeling little droplets of sweat forming on the back of his neck. Just how the hell had he gotten himself into this situation? He picked up his glass, took another large gulp of scotch and felt it burn as it trickled down his gullet and warmed his chest.

Vala took the glass away from him. “No more. I don’t want you falling over out there.”

He heard a shriek of laughter from the other room and winced at the replying ruckus.

“I thought you said five?” he hissed as he straightened his tie and smoothed down his jacket. He hated wearing this uniform and did everything he could to keep himself out of it, but Vala had insisted and threatened all manner of costumes that he wouldn’t even consider. His bare toes poking out from underneath his pants looked a little ridiculous, but trying to take his shoes and socks off with any kind of dignity would be near impossible.

“When people heard it was you, they wanted to see the show,” she shrugged. He glared at her, not happy that she’d been telling people and certainly not happy that she’d managed to double the number of women just by doing so.

“Did you tell them no cameras?” he asked anxiously as his fingers fiddled with the buttons on his jacket. The last thing he wanted was this doing the rounds on the base computers.

“Yes I told them.” The noise from the living room was increasing with every passing minute. “You better not keep them waiting too long,” Vala grinned, then stood on her tiptoes and pressed a chaste kiss on his cheek. “Go!” she urged, gently shoving him towards the door.

When he stepped out into the room, the lights were dimmed a little and he sent a mental thanks to Vala. A hush fell over the gathering and he felt their attention draw towards him, but kept his eyes downcast. Seeing all of those women staring at him might just make him want to bolt for the door and never set foot near them again.

“Vala!” Sam exclaimed, “I thought I said no strippers!”

Vala’s reply was drowned out by the music starting and Siler dragged in a deep breath. This was it, no turning back now. There was a cheer of encouragement from the women and Siler smiled, lifting his head and making eye contact with Sam. Her jaw dropped.

“Siler?!”

Someone wolf-whistled from the back of the crowd and he grinned. He might actually enjoy this; after all, it wasn’t everyday he got the attention of every woman in the SGC all at once. He started to move, knowing his dancing skills weren’t going to be questioned; he _knew _he could dance.

His fingers reached for the top button of his dress jacket, popping the shiny silver disc through the rough blue material, and then moved on to the next. By the time his jacket was undone, he had their rapt attention and their enthusiasm was infectious. Siler shrugged the jacket off his shoulders and tossed it towards his audience; creating a ripple of giggles from the area it landed.    




He glanced over at Vala and saw her grin, then blow a kiss at him with an exaggerated gesture. Shaking his head a little and wondering just how the hell he’d let her manipulate him into this, he tugged at his tie, sliding the knot downwards and pulling it out of his collar. He tossed it towards the other end of the crowded women and froze when he caught the eye of someone very familiar indeed.

Lieutenant Becky Rush. They’d dated for a while the year before and he wondered if she was the one Vala had been talking to. He heard a shout, but didn’t recognise the voice,

“Hey Siler, come on! Don’t stop now!”

Grinning, he turned his attention back to the middle of the crowd, who were getting louder by the _second_, and began to undo his belt. Someone whistled again and he gave Sam a cheeky wink before yanking his belt out of its loops and throwing it towards her. She giggled, her eyes shining brightly and, granted, the copious amount of alcohol being consumed might be responsible for that glow in her cheeks, but he didn’t think he’d ever seen her so happy.

General O’Neill was one lucky son of a bitch.

“Shirt off!” that unfamiliar voice called out and he scanned the room, his gaze landing on Jennifer Hailey, who had a _very _predatory look in her eye. “Shirt!” she called again emphatically, causing the rest of the women to join in, repeating the order to take his shirt off.

He focussed on the music, slowly unbuttoning his blue shirt and amazed at the hush that fell over the women as he unpopped the last one. He slid the shirt off his shoulders and noted how every pair of eyes in the room zeroed in on his abs and an appreciative murmur ran around the room. He couldn’t help straightening his back a little and tightening his muscles, his nerves now completely forgotten. He hung the shirt off his fingertip, swung it around and threw it blindly with a flourish. There was a scream of delight from one of the nurses as she caught his shirt and huddled it close to her chest.

He glanced across at Becky and was absolutely sure he saw her lick her lips...but he was here for Sam; it was her party. His fingers went to his fly and he slowly pulled down the zipper, centimetre by centimetre, encouraged by the whistles and cat-calls filling the room as the women quickly resumed their previous volume. He felt his dick twitch a little in his shorts, but focussed his mind on anything he could that wasn’t arousing. Getting hard right now would just be _embarrassing_, and he was nothing if not self-controlled.

He popped the button at the top of his fly, slid the pants down over his hips and shimmied them down onto the floor, cringing a little as his perfectly pressed uniform lay in a crumpled heap. There was a rousing cheer around the room as his toned thighs were exposed. 

He was suddenly acutely aware that he was standing in Samantha Carter’s living room, in front of a dozen rowdy women, wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. The music from the stereo faded and he could hardly believe how perfect the timing was, but the women didn’t quiet down. If anything they suddenly got louder...and were chanting. Oh dear god.

“Off, off, off...”

_Shit._ He shot a glare at Vala, who just shrugged her shoulders. He gritted his teeth.

“You _better_ make this worth it,” he growled, hearing the squeals as his thumbs hooked into the waistband of his shorts. Who knew Air Force women _squealed_ like that?

He turned his back to them and laughed to himself at their cries of outrage. Tugging at his shorts, he pulled them halfway down his buttocks, hearing a roar of appreciation from behind him. He gave a teasing wiggle of his hips and then pushed them further down until they fell to the floor and he heard a raucous cheer. He used his toes to pick up the underwear, flicked them into his hand and then tossed them over his shoulder, causing more giggles and what sounded suspiciously like a scuffle over the garment.

Covering himself with his hands, he turned back around, amazed at the way every single woman was leaning forward in their seat or moving to get a better view. It was as if they’d never seen a naked man before. He stood stock still, soaking up their requests for him to move his hands, enjoying the way they were building in excitement.

“Come _on,_ Siler!” he heard Sam say, his eyebrows shooting up towards his hairline. She was the last person he’d expected that from.

“You sure?” he asked with a smirk, getting a resounding “Yes!” from the whole room. Snorting a laugh and shrugging his shoulders, he removed his hands, spreading his arms to his sides and heard a few gasps, a couple of swearwords and that same murmur of muttered words he couldn’t quite make out ripple around the room. It felt very odd to be standing butt naked in front of the entire female staff of the SGC, letting them ogle him and scrutinise his body.

Monday morning was going to be awkward to say the least.

He held up his hands in resignation.

“Ok, I’m done,” he laughed. He’d already charged Vala with the task of getting all of his uniform back afterwards and made his way to the door, ignoring the calls that they wanted more and thinking this party was going to last long into the early hours judging by how hyper they all were. Slipping into the relative privacy of the dining room, he breathed a sigh of relief, unable to believe he’d just done that. He couldn’t work out if his reputation amongst the men of the SGC was going to be shot to hell, or if it was going to gain him admiration when this got out.

He reached for the spare clothes he’d stashed in here, very carefully zipping the fly of his jeans, since his underwear was unexpectedly absent. Just as he picked his t-shirt up, he heard the door open behind him.

“Oh you owe me _big,_” he said, assuming it was Vala with his uniform, but he jumped when the reply came from someone totally unexpected.

“Really?” Becky asked and he spun around in shock, still holding his t-shirt in his hands. “Don’t you need these?” she asked with a smirk, dangling his boxer shorts from her fingers.

“Uh...no,” he stammered, “I’ll just...” he waved a hand vaguely in the direction of his jeans. She stepped up to him, her eyes lingering on his still-naked torso and once again, he saw her lick her lips. When her eyes lifted to meet his, he noted the way her pupils were dilated and didn’t even try to kid himself it was because of the dim lights. He knew this was a bad idea; there was a reason they were _ex-_lovers, but the way she was looking at him...

“Are you and Vala...you know...” she asked hesitantly.

“No!” he answered, probably a little too quickly. He swallowed. “No, we’re not.” She nodded and her eyes flickered down to his lips and then back to his eyes.

He wasn’t sure who moved first, who kissed who, but before he knew it, his t-shirt was on the floor, his arms were around her waist and her tongue was deep in his mouth, curling around his and making his breath huff loudly out of his nostrils. He moaned into her mouth and his hands slid down to her ass, pulling her hips against his and giving in to the arousal that had been threatening earlier.

The broke the kiss, both breathing heavily and he rested his forehead against hers.

“Wanna get out of here?” she asked and he grinned.

“Oh god yes,” he answered.        





End file.
